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"I need to know I broke your heart. The truth is that it's about me. "
The question of x-boyfriends/girlfriends has been on my mind recently. It seems far after relationships end their ghosts hang around and make us feel things. I am not saying a person never gets over an old love…but I do believe they have an impact on lives years later.
I didn’t bring up Bryan for a long time after we broke up. I would cry in my bed at night and it felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I used to text him randomly because I missed him so much…this ended because Dustin and I talked about how unhealthy it was for me. Then I didn’t bring him up because when I did people would roll their eyes like I wasn’t over him….this wasn’t true however, it is true he was in my life for 4.5 years and a lot of stories from college involve him. I loved that kid with every ounce of myself. We were so very different and yet, for a vast majority of the time we worked surprisingly well. . He liked: emo music, comic books, he wasn’t athletic and could have cared less about sports, and he was prettier than me. But he could also be very sweet, kind, and loving. I talk about Bryan with such distain these days that I forget for the first 3 years…our relationship was story book.
When I think about Bryan and I and our demise a few things come to mind. I moved…I did that, I left Arizona without a second thought….I walked away from a 3 year ( at that time) relationship…fully knowing the repercussions that could follow ( in retrospect I think I was hoping this would break us up…not cheating!)….. Marcia died and Bryan could have cared less…I see this as the beginning of the end for us…he didn’t come down for her funeral, he didn’t check in on me…he was not around and didn’t care to know how I was doing….. Ara’s wedding…the first time in years we has all been together for an occasion that didn’t consist of burying one of Ara’s siblings…Bryan was invited and didn’t come…but thought I was going to miss part of the week long of wedding to see him…nope. Bryan and I ended 1.5 years before we actually ended and sometimes I regret staying together for so long…but I learned SO much about myself through the events that occurred during our hell of earth time.
I remember the good times…I truly wish the kid no ill will…people tell me they think he is mixed up in bad shit now…though it goes against everything that is “Ashley”, it is truly not in me to care anymore. I changed a lot of who I was for him, I compromised a huge part of myself, I allowed myself to be hurt and taken advantage of….but I truly hope he is happy and finds whatever he is looking for. I did get some amazing things from dating him….I have an amazing comic book knowledge, Buffy, Kevin Smith, some very pretty jewelry ( which I have only recently started wearing again…which brings up the whole, over it but not over it thing), and most importantly the ability to stand up for myself.
It’s been three years since Bryan and I broke up and it still effects me daily…when I think of long distance relationships…well first I drive heave, and second I have no faith in them. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since the break up. It took me 1.5 years to get back to being myself. I don’t trust any guy really…unless they are my brother…and I no longer believe in true love or happily ever after.
Now I am writing about all of this because I have had a few friends who have dealt with break ups this year. Two girls and a boy…they range from the age of 22- 33 and all have handled it differently but are affected by it daily. The girls seem to have taken their break ups harder than the boy, which is odd to me because the boy was in a 2.5 year relationship, and the girls were in a 1 year and an 8 month relationship…why is this?? Do girls invest more, do we feel more, or do we just plain hurt more?
Everyone seems to have taken something different from their break-ups/relationships. Some of these newly single people have already dated/hooked-up/ liked another person…but then I talk to my friend (who is one of the people who has shown interest in new people)she still talks about her X and how she can’t stop talking to him…how he still makes her happy. This brings up the question…is it healthier to cut all ties (Bryan and I) or to try to remain friends?? And if you decided to remain friends…how is your next love interest going to feel?
I get that all relationships have some compromises…but isn’t this in terms of doing dishes or sleeping with a fan on or off…not one’s self? When you start changing who you are…when you start changing the amazing things that make you....you, is there something wrong? Shouldn’t our significant others like us for us??
Something that seems to happen at all ages is when our relationships become all consuming. We forget about your friends, our intrested, or routine. Sometimes we don’t listen to our friends…or we take what our friends say as a personal attach. I was 19 when I started dating Bryan and I lost a lot of friends due to lack of interest in them because of my sudden interest in Bryan. I have been ditched by one friend twice because of her boyfriends…please know I want my friends to be happy with their people, but shouldn’t you also be happy without your significant other?
This leads to another point…one of the many reasons I am still single….sometimes I am not happy with myself …and until I can be, until I am not dark and twisty anymore…I feel like it is not fair to me or a boy to get into a serious relationship.
I am SO happy I went through all this horrible-ness with Bryan a young age because now as an almost 27 year old I know exactly what I don’t want…though I have NO idea what I DO want. So relationships...boys, girls, love, and everything that comes with it remain a mystery to me…
So the point of this blog is...are we ever really over it? Have our past relationships left permanent marks on us that we can never wash away?
**Oh the crazy ramblings a 20 something thinkink about life**
**Dustin- I know you hate serious blogs...this will be the last one for a bit, I promise**
1. You are way cuter than Bryan!!!
ReplyDelete2. I think past relationships will always be a part of our lives to a certain point, and though we push them out, it would be a shame if we didn't learn from them! There would be no point then in dating at all.
3. I love that now you know what you don't want! You are practically on the verge of knowing what you do what, or so it seems. I have seen you grow into even more of a kind hearted individual. Only the best for you.
4. I think some people can be friends with their ex persons, but there is also something really unhealthy about that if you still have feelings or whatever.
5. I love you! You one of the most awesome people that I know in this world!! Whenever you get sad, grab a strawberry Crush and dance your buns off to a favorite song. Life is too precious to see A.R. sad for more than 2 minutes at a time.
6. Quote from a 1st grader " Miss S, I wish you were my mom" . (minutes later from another one) "Miss S, I wish I was your mom".
What?! How stinking cute is that? :)